PAUL HORTON
MAKING A FORTUNE
I’m working hard and long
To produce something to sell
To earn an honest song
But believe me it’s Hell!
Buy cheap and sell dear
Swindle, cheat and lie
That is the one way clear
The other is to die.
DOG LATIN
We write occasionally, versive
And just for the fun villanella
We concentrate, lips pursive
And brows furrowed, simpella.
There’s an escape into vernacular
With accents and foreign brugus
Using odd words, most peculiar
And so our writing goesus.
The paining of such recreation
Giving birth to phrases obscura
Leads us into dissemination
Over which there is no cura.
The slow descent to insanity
Will follow in post meridian
White coated men of infamity
Escort us into oblivion.
PRIZEWINNERS
"Ring 0800 242424 if you think Hubert is the man of the month, 242425 if you think it's Claude," and so on through the litany of freephone telephone numbers. So much selection, so much choice is made by way of the telephone these days.
"If you want to make a booking, press One. If you want to fly to the moon, press Two. If you want to hear a human voice, call next week."
Shall I vote Labour? Dial 1234
Shall I abstain? Dial 2468
"Could I have a pizza, please?"
"Cheese topping, press One,
Tomato topping, press Two"
"Could I see you sometime?"
"Your place, press one,
My place, press Two.
Any other place, press Three."
"To place a bet on the Grand National just enter your credit card number and the number of your horse. Press One for a win, Two for a place."
"Thank you for calling us, your call is important to us, you are in a queue, to select your choice of music press One for the Beatles, Two for Des O' Connor, and Three for silence. Please note that option Three will be charged at the current rate."
"You have been selected to win a prize in the Readers Disgust Prize Draw. To discover what your prize is, press One."
"You have a choice of prizes:
For a holiday in Siberia, press One;
A fortnight for two in Baghdad, press Two;
A lifetime's subscription to Watchtower, press Three."
"Thank you for wasting your time trying to contact us."